Once upon a time, there was a poor but good little girl. Her family was so poor that she did not have any toys to play with. She did not have any pets, because they could not feed them. She did not have any dolls. She did not even have any rags that she could pretend were a doll. More than anything in life, what she wanted was a baby sister to play with, but she would have accepted a doll. All she had was a pistachio. Now, because her dinner every night was half a small potato and three crumbs of moldy bread, often she had been tempted to eat the pistachio. But she did not! For it was her pistachio baby, and she loved to play with it and rock it like it was her own baby sister. She also loved to dress it up, although she did not have any dressup clothes. Instead, she would pick a thread from the worn sugar sack she used as a dress, and pretend it was a bow for the pistachio baby's hair. Sometimes she would pretend it was a beautiful pearl necklace. Other times, a sturdy leather belt, an item of clothing that she wished she had, as the sugar sack did not fit her very well.

Every night when she went to bed, she would say her prayers, and also ask God for a baby sister. One night, the Green Fairy overheard her and decided to grant her wish. Now the Green Fairy had power over all green things. She knew that the pistachio loved the poor but good little girl, who rocked it so gently every day and sang it sweet but offkey lullabies. So the Green Fairy -- who, we must confess, was often half in the bag by that time at night, being a bit overfond of creme de menthe -- waved her green fairy wand and sprinkled green fairy dust over the poor but good little girl and her pistachio baby.

["Absinthe!" said the Reader. "The green fairy drinks absinthe!"]

Absinthe was illegal in the poor but good little girl's country, although the Green Fairy occasionally nipped over to Spain to buy a bottle.

When the poor but good little girl awoke in the morning, it was to a faint sound of a baby crying. Or something. The poor but good little girl listened. What -was- it? Where was it coming from? She listened more carefully. It seemed... to be coming... from inside the pistachio shell. She put her ear to it. There she heard, very faintly, a quiet sound.

"Meh."

For the Green Fairy had made Little Pistachio into a Real Little Pistachio Baby, but neglected to give it any arms or legs or a head. Because it was a very powerful Green Fairy Wand, it could talk. And, the poor but good little girl could tell, it was not very happy about the situation.

"Meh."

"That's the most horrible thing ever," said the poor but good little girl. "Babies are gross!" And she buried the Pistachio Baby in the backyard.

But! The Pistachio Baby was a Real Little Pistachio Baby, but still a pistachio. And it grew into a Real Little Pistachio Baby Tree.The delicious pistachios became something of a novelty in the poor but good little girl's town, and she and her family made quite a good living selling them to the duke. Eventually, she married a third assistant footman from the Duke's palace and lived to a ripe old age. She never had any children, though. And they say that when the wind blows, you can still hear the sound of the Pistachio Baby Tree fill the air.

"meh."

THE END.